Whatever it means...

I resumed today. Writing has always been second nature to me. Sometimes, I sit alone, people walking past, sometimes even in conversation with me, and all I can do is whip out my phone or a piece of paper with pen and type or write.
Yesterday, with the lines from a bad movie ringing in my ears, I was scared. I had not written anything in a long while and I was almost afraid of a lost talent...or ability? But with the clashing sounds of a strange japanese instrument in my ears and Linkin Park screaming down my pinna, I had no choice.
Art begets art. That's the truest truth in the world. I always, and I mean that, find myself in a creative mood when I hear good music [death to Linkin Park haters], and sometimes even with a good movie or book or art. My best experiences with sex have always been in this creative mood. Indeed, sex is art.
I was sitting on my own today, once again, flipping through my song collection. Then I got to Linkin park's 'Easier to run'. I don't know about you, but the song with it's clashing vocals was enough to rouse something latent in me...even to throw me into near tears. I don't really understand how, but writing things with a certain depth always throws me into such an emotional state, I am close to weeping.
Once I wrote something that actually threw me into a sobbing fit. It was about people's attitude towards sex...imagine!*shrug*
Today though, I think I know what started the fit. What I think, despite my subconcious trying its hardesT to hide it from me, is all about a girl. I wanted to call her and I think I needed a song to put myself into the mood and 'Easier to run', threw me into this.
I've known her for years...in my head. There have been times when I doubt her reality, when she seems like something I cooked up..from dream or fantasy. What is she? Who is this princess that fulfils all my desires?
Even as I type now, my mind wanders and it is her smiling face as I last saw it that resides behind my eyes. The keys of my phonepad blur together and all I see are flashing colours and the eyes which always threaten to engulf me...to take up my entire being into a happiness I'll happily surrender to. Who is she?
I have wondered sometimes if she is some silver wraith sent from somewhere below the underworld, a place more beautiful than Paradise, to tempt me and force me to succumb to her charms and lure until I destroy and explode in a cataclysm of bliss. But I know that is just my over-active imagination. She is a goddess. A special being, created by God to satisfy every desire I may contemplate upon. Created specially for me.
Sometimes I wonder if, like the Golden Fleece and Jason, I am worthy to have her. She seems like a jewel to pretty to be touched by my many times tainted hands. But who knows...she might be my chance for redemption?
Sounds are still banging in my head, now it's 'Jesus of Surburbia' and Green Day smashing that tune out. I love this particular song because of it's unpredictable changeability, it sometimes reminda me of my own soul and mind which switches tracks too often and sometimes with almost no seam of connection. I wonder...
I have almost forgotten her, but can I...she dwells within my heart, I can't leave her, no matter how hard I try. I am alive, perhaps I love?
I have had fleeting moments of passion over the past few years, some lasting weeks, others days, some months and some hours. I have been shocked and jumped, but I have never been broken, not again. Perhaps my artistic heart has decided to break for her. Maybe that is what this is...maybe this is another one of those fleeting pursuits. Maybe...