I had one of those days yesterday.
I have always asked of several things from GOD, though I pride myself on not being too greedy, and one of these is the ability to control myself and to establish control over the surroundings.
GOD is gracious.
I always get what I ask.
I wonder if it has been the right thing.
Yesterday, my control was tested. My ability to establish control over all within my reach was examined.
My control over my own self was tested.
To say I acted out of control would be so wrong as to be sinful, on the contrary, I was so in control of both self and circumstance it scares me.
Coolheadedly and with an almost completely detached air, I executed motions I would ordinarily debate, motions and actions I still am not sure were in the best interests of both I and those around me.
I did commit a certain level of sin yesterday. Which makes me wonder not too little if I indeed was the mastermind behind the matters or if I, unknowinly, was and still is the pawn in some horrible scheme.
Maybe I've been bewitched and completely screwed.
The way forward.
This matter bothers me. It is a surprising trait of humans when we seek to achieve certain goals, we strive and push and in the event we reach our mark with a minimum of fuss we are bothered and surprised.
I was surprised. I am bothered.
It is not as though I had any doubts I would be able to achieve what I wanted, it is just that I didn't believe it will work so quickly, and easily.
Thr true test of achievement is this then:
Not merely a matter of reaching a goal aforeplanned, it is a matter of attaining a place once dreamed of with the joy and happiness which stems from fulfilment.
It is that joy that escapes me now.
I have what i wanted, I am just not happy with it.
Of the many constitutions that exist, the seven deadly sins, greed is a predominant factor associated. I fear now, that I am falling for greed.
But ask yourself, is the pursuit of perfection simply a motive for unsatisfying greed? Does a man who seemingly wants more in order to have the best suffer from a simple bout of greediness?
Am I, who has gotten what he wants, but not how he wants it, simply a greedy bastard?
Questions.
I wonder what to make of everything sometimes.
I will accept my fate. My destiny does hold alot more. Right or wrong, that which i need and want, I will get. The road to success I will line with the carcasses of all that stood to oppose me and destroy me and trick me into believing I had arrived. The false signposts will I bring down. More will i want, more will I get. And if I am accused of greed, so be it.
I am Janus afterall.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Boko Haram; the scare...
Etymologically, by loose Hausa translation, Boko Haram means 'Western Education is Sin'. How exactly a bunch of Fulani herders intend to pass that across beats the imagination, but then I am not Shakespeare.
Yesterday, hooligans claiming righteousness held an academic institution to ransom, many academic institutions if truth be told. What i want to understand now is the reason behind, not their righteous parade, but the compliance by members of the said institutions to their wishes.
In times past, the colleges of learning, the universities and schools have been bastions of hope and support at the times when it seems the entire world has gone to hell. Professors and teachers, have remained the solid wall of reasoning and logic when all seems lost and the leaders of countries and nations are wringing their hands in despair. That was years ago, and probably not in this country.
The Northern militants decided to make maximum use of their newfound publicity and threaten the sanity of Nigerians with bomb attacks on their children. This time they said they would spread their tentacles southwards and attack my school. Wrong move.
Naturally, as it is when things like this happen, conjectures started to fly. People remembered when 9/11 happened and how, apparently, the US had foreknowledge of the disaster and were unable to prevent it. They didn't forget the UN bombing of a few weeks ago (GOD rest the souls of the departed), and how the SSS had foreknowledge which was not acted on and the disaster which resulted. This time around they argued, (those disaster-mongers), GOD has given us the opportunity and we would not mess it up.
Plans were made and next thing we had previously job-seeking young men thronging our gates searching those coming into the campus and those going out! Still, when the time came and the week of bomb-wise annihilation came up, students still walked the campus without fear and with total disregard of whatsoever form of threat the now decentralized Bokos had in mind. That was until wednesday.
What is the definition of a man of GOD? According to popular hearsay, a man by that title went on International Tv and told everyone, very conveniently, that something tragic was going to happen on the University campus at 3 O'clock. No p.ms or a.ms, just 3 O'clock. Naturally panic descended and students of a university, people learning to examine problems from a logical perspective flew into fright and tried to escape school.
By the next morning, as early as 2 a.m, pandemonium had descended fully on Ugbowo campus and trickle by trickle, the students poured out of school. That in itself is understandable, most of the students, like it or not, are children and the situation was too much for them to handle alone, after all those that they ordinarily would have turned to had fled the scene.
At the very moment when all seems to be lost and insanity has replaced the sane mind, and the world turns usually to the masters of logic, they were nowhere to be found. The reasoning they hid behind was the age old cliche, "Better safe than sorry", forgetting that the man who was predicting [according to the grapevine],the bombing could scarcely predict the results of an all too obvious match up, [something even octopi can do], perhaps one should start taking only the opposite of whatever this man prophesies.
3a.m passed, then 3p.m, and then some people started wondering whether he meant 3 O'clock Eastern time. I do not blame any one who ran away from their duties due to a bomb threat, and I commiserate with the girls in the school hostels, it wouldn't have been easy coping with that trauma, it's a hard time our country is going through, we need but pray and hope.
The Boko Haram sect has declared war upon the citizens, Government and Constitution of our great nation, it is our ill-luck to live in such a time, nevertheless it is a blessing, for now we have a chance to turn the tables and raise the bar on this nation. This is a war of terror, and the winner is the one who is able to establish fear and thoughtless incoherence on the other. We wouldn't lose this war. We would not show fear, we would not let Boko Haram win us. Instead, we would not relent and with our heads held high, we would stand and fight back and strike fear into the hearts of our oppresors, the cowards.
In the Holy Qu'ran, Sura 42, it says; "All those who fight (back) when oppressed shall incur no guilt, but Allah shall punish the oppressor."
Yesterday, hooligans claiming righteousness held an academic institution to ransom, many academic institutions if truth be told. What i want to understand now is the reason behind, not their righteous parade, but the compliance by members of the said institutions to their wishes.
In times past, the colleges of learning, the universities and schools have been bastions of hope and support at the times when it seems the entire world has gone to hell. Professors and teachers, have remained the solid wall of reasoning and logic when all seems lost and the leaders of countries and nations are wringing their hands in despair. That was years ago, and probably not in this country.
The Northern militants decided to make maximum use of their newfound publicity and threaten the sanity of Nigerians with bomb attacks on their children. This time they said they would spread their tentacles southwards and attack my school. Wrong move.
Naturally, as it is when things like this happen, conjectures started to fly. People remembered when 9/11 happened and how, apparently, the US had foreknowledge of the disaster and were unable to prevent it. They didn't forget the UN bombing of a few weeks ago (GOD rest the souls of the departed), and how the SSS had foreknowledge which was not acted on and the disaster which resulted. This time around they argued, (those disaster-mongers), GOD has given us the opportunity and we would not mess it up.
Plans were made and next thing we had previously job-seeking young men thronging our gates searching those coming into the campus and those going out! Still, when the time came and the week of bomb-wise annihilation came up, students still walked the campus without fear and with total disregard of whatsoever form of threat the now decentralized Bokos had in mind. That was until wednesday.
What is the definition of a man of GOD? According to popular hearsay, a man by that title went on International Tv and told everyone, very conveniently, that something tragic was going to happen on the University campus at 3 O'clock. No p.ms or a.ms, just 3 O'clock. Naturally panic descended and students of a university, people learning to examine problems from a logical perspective flew into fright and tried to escape school.
By the next morning, as early as 2 a.m, pandemonium had descended fully on Ugbowo campus and trickle by trickle, the students poured out of school. That in itself is understandable, most of the students, like it or not, are children and the situation was too much for them to handle alone, after all those that they ordinarily would have turned to had fled the scene.
At the very moment when all seems to be lost and insanity has replaced the sane mind, and the world turns usually to the masters of logic, they were nowhere to be found. The reasoning they hid behind was the age old cliche, "Better safe than sorry", forgetting that the man who was predicting [according to the grapevine],the bombing could scarcely predict the results of an all too obvious match up, [something even octopi can do], perhaps one should start taking only the opposite of whatever this man prophesies.
3a.m passed, then 3p.m, and then some people started wondering whether he meant 3 O'clock Eastern time. I do not blame any one who ran away from their duties due to a bomb threat, and I commiserate with the girls in the school hostels, it wouldn't have been easy coping with that trauma, it's a hard time our country is going through, we need but pray and hope.
The Boko Haram sect has declared war upon the citizens, Government and Constitution of our great nation, it is our ill-luck to live in such a time, nevertheless it is a blessing, for now we have a chance to turn the tables and raise the bar on this nation. This is a war of terror, and the winner is the one who is able to establish fear and thoughtless incoherence on the other. We wouldn't lose this war. We would not show fear, we would not let Boko Haram win us. Instead, we would not relent and with our heads held high, we would stand and fight back and strike fear into the hearts of our oppresors, the cowards.
In the Holy Qu'ran, Sura 42, it says; "All those who fight (back) when oppressed shall incur no guilt, but Allah shall punish the oppressor."
Monday, September 5, 2011
Flag of truce
It can't work between us.
I have determined it finally. It would not work. The very concept was dead from the beginning, i had so far served only to prolong it. No way, no more. I have tried my hardest. It cannot work.
If at this very stage when things are rosy and all seems beautiful, things are like this, then in the time of trial and problems and heartbreaking tribulation, this would not stand the test.
I give up.
No more.
She, i thought was for me. I have been wrong before. I was wrong this time. There's no point. I give up.
I thought something beautiful was growing between us. I was wrong again. The thought that someone so beautiful could become mine swayed me into such a frenzy that i forgot that which was most essential. It's over.
I give up.
Pathetically, i hoped and prayed, but even the gods had denied me. It's over. I give up.
The mystique of that which had crept up between us before has fizzled. The light is gone. Sparks are vanished and once more, the lonely god sits alone.
I have never had this feeling before, i guess it's a first, but it's over.
I give up.
I have determined it finally. It would not work. The very concept was dead from the beginning, i had so far served only to prolong it. No way, no more. I have tried my hardest. It cannot work.
If at this very stage when things are rosy and all seems beautiful, things are like this, then in the time of trial and problems and heartbreaking tribulation, this would not stand the test.
I give up.
No more.
She, i thought was for me. I have been wrong before. I was wrong this time. There's no point. I give up.
I thought something beautiful was growing between us. I was wrong again. The thought that someone so beautiful could become mine swayed me into such a frenzy that i forgot that which was most essential. It's over.
I give up.
Pathetically, i hoped and prayed, but even the gods had denied me. It's over. I give up.
The mystique of that which had crept up between us before has fizzled. The light is gone. Sparks are vanished and once more, the lonely god sits alone.
I have never had this feeling before, i guess it's a first, but it's over.
I give up.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Soldier's notes...(an excerpt)
I wonder if I should write this down. Most people would advise me against this. People would tell me not to. They would point out the all too obvious disadvantages to my spilling my guts. But I will tell the truth anyways. It's my life and I can decide to reminisce on what I will.
Besides, I'v never really cared what people think.
My name is Maj. Gen. Emmanuel Oluyemi Obasogie. This is bad manners, I know I should have introduced the lady at my side first. I always, always, should act like a gentleman. That is what the Army taught me, at least when it was still an honourable profession.
The girl can't talk anyway. She is dead. She lies on the bed beside me. Earlier today she was bursting with life and energy, promising to do things to me I can't even imagine. Now she lies naked on the sheets, her skin cold as ice.
A dead whore.
I need a drink. I think I have some left in that bottle. I bought a dozen bottles of whiskey and rum last night. I think it's morning now. It has to be. My body tells me it is. My body hasn't been wrong in twenty years. Not since i joined the Army.
I hate war. It's a foolish venture. A soldier is supposed to say that. We are told to hate war. We are taught to live for it. To love it. I hate war.
As a General, I am accustomed to having an adjutant at my every beck and call, some young officer eager to serve a true military professional such as I. Most times we Generals hardly bother with carrying weapons, but the Army drums into you, much more than the Boy Scouts, be prepared at all times. I have an Army issue Beretta. Right now I have no idea where it is. I should look for it, as soon as I find my clothes.
I remember the first time I put on an Army tunic. It was a proud moment. I had dreamed of being and Army officer for so long, the first feel of brown khaki on my shoulders threw me into a near-orgasmic frenzy. That was how cleaning my first issue felt also, the smooth lines of the rifle, the hard stock and tight trigger, it was a simple CAR-15 rifle but i loved it like you loved a womans body. On nights we were given R&R and my mates went into town, I stayed over in the barracks cleaning and polishing Ada, my rifle, my first born.
The first time I went on R&R into town was a disaster. I would rather not remember it. Nevertheless, the taste of a woman's flesh has never been able to replace the feel of the rifle stock against my cheeks when i kneel to snipe. Not to talk of the Fear of GOD. The Fear of GOD is something that annoys me sometimes. The endless wonder of whether one would go to heaven or not. Just like this dead girl. Would she go to heaven or not? This dead whore...?
Her last words were a scream, a strange scream. I wonder why she screamed. I thought she was happy. Maybe she wasn't. She begged me with her eyes. She begged and she screamed but i didn't hear a sound. Her mouth was just open. The scream was in her eyes. Maybe it was because my hands were wrapped around her throat, squeezin tight...
Besides, I'v never really cared what people think.
My name is Maj. Gen. Emmanuel Oluyemi Obasogie. This is bad manners, I know I should have introduced the lady at my side first. I always, always, should act like a gentleman. That is what the Army taught me, at least when it was still an honourable profession.
The girl can't talk anyway. She is dead. She lies on the bed beside me. Earlier today she was bursting with life and energy, promising to do things to me I can't even imagine. Now she lies naked on the sheets, her skin cold as ice.
A dead whore.
I need a drink. I think I have some left in that bottle. I bought a dozen bottles of whiskey and rum last night. I think it's morning now. It has to be. My body tells me it is. My body hasn't been wrong in twenty years. Not since i joined the Army.
I hate war. It's a foolish venture. A soldier is supposed to say that. We are told to hate war. We are taught to live for it. To love it. I hate war.
As a General, I am accustomed to having an adjutant at my every beck and call, some young officer eager to serve a true military professional such as I. Most times we Generals hardly bother with carrying weapons, but the Army drums into you, much more than the Boy Scouts, be prepared at all times. I have an Army issue Beretta. Right now I have no idea where it is. I should look for it, as soon as I find my clothes.
I remember the first time I put on an Army tunic. It was a proud moment. I had dreamed of being and Army officer for so long, the first feel of brown khaki on my shoulders threw me into a near-orgasmic frenzy. That was how cleaning my first issue felt also, the smooth lines of the rifle, the hard stock and tight trigger, it was a simple CAR-15 rifle but i loved it like you loved a womans body. On nights we were given R&R and my mates went into town, I stayed over in the barracks cleaning and polishing Ada, my rifle, my first born.
The first time I went on R&R into town was a disaster. I would rather not remember it. Nevertheless, the taste of a woman's flesh has never been able to replace the feel of the rifle stock against my cheeks when i kneel to snipe. Not to talk of the Fear of GOD. The Fear of GOD is something that annoys me sometimes. The endless wonder of whether one would go to heaven or not. Just like this dead girl. Would she go to heaven or not? This dead whore...?
Her last words were a scream, a strange scream. I wonder why she screamed. I thought she was happy. Maybe she wasn't. She begged me with her eyes. She begged and she screamed but i didn't hear a sound. Her mouth was just open. The scream was in her eyes. Maybe it was because my hands were wrapped around her throat, squeezin tight...
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